andygates: (Default)
I shouldn't be surprised that a Hollywood blockbuster gives off the stench of focus groups, but Transformers has to be one of the worst yet.  The gritty bits are demolished by the unfunny comedy; the teen-coming-of-age stuff is stuck on with tape; the characterization's entirely absent and the robots have a near-total lack of affect.

Thankfully, after far too long, Megatron gets thawed out and the Big Dumb Fight gets going, and Michael Mann finally delivers.  And the Big Dumb Fight is huge and stupid, it's exactly right: a scaled-up hyperkinetic version of the Transformers toy fights you might remember as a kid, where you'd transform Starscream in mid-flight (always making the wap-wap-wap noise) to robot form to stomp on some squishy humans.  Sofas for skyscrapers.

Top marks for the fight, but ouch, the rest of the movie was a shuddering pile of suck.

I think I'll expunge the scars with an honest suckfest: The Legend of Chun-Li.


Nov. 14th, 2008 03:07 pm
andygates: (Default)
The world isn't going to end in 2012, but that doesn't mean we can't hawk a spectacular ball of nonsense on the premise that it will: Behold the teaser trailer for 2012.

andygates: (Default)
Resident Evil: Extinction: Ouch, the suck.

Casshern: Whee! The suck!

Which, I guess, goes to show that you don't have to have a major franchise or a big star or make any damn sense to be fun.  RE:E is so obviously edited down for certificate that it's insulting, and has about one-fifth the content you'd expect in an actual movie.  Was the director one of these music-video guys?  Casshern's director was one of those guys, which is probably why the first half is baffling hyper-kinetic manga nonsense and the second half wobbling, confused exposition, but it's damn refreshing.  The big fight between our hero and the neoroid with delusions of Magneto is a hoot.  Yay live-action anime!  Yay pretty-boy goons with purple fur stoles!  Boo vapid franchise Umbrella Are Eeevil Cos They Are nonsense and cheeseball powers and unscary zombies (though yay BMW touring bike and yay Claire).
andygates: (Default)
Movie Good:  Cloverfield.  I love handheld verité stuff and I love monster movies, so the Gozdilla/Blair Witch mashup worked perfectly for me.  Shallow and dumb but beautfully done - very much a post-9/11 B-movie.  But if hand-held stuff makes you barf and no exposition makes you cross, give it a miss.  Clover's wuvly! 

Movie Bad: They're remaking Death Race 2000, although to give them their credit, this Jason Statham pay-the-bills abomination is at least dropping the '2000'.  This isn't just going to suck.  The original sucked.  This is going to discover superstring-theory numbers of additional dimensions of suck.  The original, that sucked in space and time.  This is going to suck in space, time, flooble, gronk, backspin and lemon.  They're going to have to do experiments at the Large Hadron Collider to determine just how much this movie can theoretically suck.  Higgs Suck.  This much suck could create a sinkhole of unquality that devours the world. 
andygates: (santa)
You don't want to do it like that, you want to do it like this!A revelation has come unto me.  I've worked out why I can't stand Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man.

It's not that he's a whiney emo boi-bitch.  Spidey's a whiney teen.  That's fine.  It's not that he speaks in expository voice-over, because Spidey does that too.  It's not even that Sam Raimi gets flabbier and less entertaining the more money he has to work with, or that Spidey's beloved wise-cracking has been drowned under those big watery baby blues.

It's simply this:  Tobey Maguire looks like a young Harry Enfield.

'Nuff said.
andygates: (Default)
...surprisingly, from Keira.

It's in Domino.  Domino is so bad it's good.  I cite Christopher Walken (a ferret on crystal meth) and Tom Waits (was his desert preacher even real?) cameos and quotes like, "We need hostages. Celebrity hostages."  The movie is genius: it's The Core to Lock Stock's Armageddon.  Keira is hilariously miscast.  But I digress.

Domino Harvey, whose posh Mum has moved her to the States hunting husbands, is being inducted into a college sorority.  The hazing begins in movie hyperbitch style, with the freshers forced to strip and having every physical defect highlighted to drunken jeers - cellulite, bad pants, the works.  Queen bitch gets down the line to young Domino and asks, "What's it like, having the body of a ten-year-old boy?"

And Domino breaks her nose.

Because sometimes that crap really isn't to be tolerated. 
andygates: (hellboy)
Okay, here's the deal.  There's this 80s video martial arts movie.  Really bad.  Too bad even for [profile] aldric and my Tuesday Night Specials (and they included Steel Dawn, forchrissakes).  The hero's your standard American Ninja WASP-gone-chop-socky, the bad guy is a tall black guy called Sho'Nuff, "The Shogun of New York".  Mr Nuff uses cheating sparkly-hands chi effects to bitchslap our whitebread hero, until in the final reel WASPy finally gets his enlightenment on, pulls golden chi all over Sho'Nuff's ass, and saves the day, the girl, the city and Mr Miyagi's honour.

What the hell was the film called?
andygates: (hellboy)
Salute of the Jugger, the Worst Great Rutger Hauer Movie That Wasn't A Comedy, looks to be coming out on cult label DVD this spring. My current copy is sadly unplayable, as I don't have an ancient cuneiform tablet reader, so I shall be leaping at it.

Jugger's a great film. I will hear nothing said against it, not about its cheesy Road Warrior desert setting, nor former League stars in tux and polished skull-plate, nor the silliness of the game's rules (which we've still never played, you know - but some Germans do).

This movie has a sweaty Joan Chen scrabbling in the dust under a whirling net for a meaty dog skull, while Rutger Hauer gets an eye poked out with a pugel stick. It need do nothing more.
andygates: (Default)
Or How I Stopped Caring And Learned To Love Black PVC.

Hmm. Underwhelmed Evolution maybe. It just didn't hang together for me. There were bits that were nice (mostly centred around the aforementioned black PVC), the blood-memories idea was explored more playfully, the makeup effects were great, but... but Michael the down-home farmboy hybrid just looks like he's about to start singin'; Kate still runs like a barbie-doll even if her action-stance has got better; and guys, the colour-changing eye thing was done better in Innocent Blood over fifteen years ago. Try harder.

The layers of secret spookernatural society are annoyingly built and revealed in a manner that suggests not a rich parallel world into which we are plunged (as Nightwatch does so well), but stuff being made up as they go along. And since the main plot is a great fat retcon in the first place, I got the feeling that I couldn't trust the world at all, I couldn't engage with it because it was so arbitrary. Is he going to be okay? Is she going to find out what happened? Who cares, here's a church full of naked chicks. All of which leaves us with a skinny goth chick with guns - perfectly tasty but as a snack, not a meal.

Yay, black helicopters. Boo, physics going AWOL whenever a Lycan gets jumping. Yay, pimpy cinematography. Boo, every frame looks like a graphic-novel panel so the specialness is just lost, the "ooh!" effect is squandered. Yay, manipulated colour palette, boo grey is not the one I'd lead with... I'm just left annoyed that at the end of the first movie there's a suggestion that Everything Will Change, then the second movie is another Day In The Life Of Slay-Chick, and at the end guess what, Everything Will Change.

It will. I won't bother renting #3.


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