Perl file test help?

i'm avoiding madness and rage by cobbling together a Perl script.  It needs to check a bunch of network files for various file characteristics (SQL server backup dumps, to be exact, by age: we have a gajillion of them and I am *not* checking them by hand).  I'm having trouble getting my Perl script (I'm a Perl newbie but it had a badger on one of the books, and I'm taking my good omens where I can get them) to find files on the network.  Any ideas?
( Code and output after the cut... )

There's a pint in it  :)