Man-Flu Survival 101

[andygates]

Lurgies of the world, cower before your master. You little green gribblies might think you're in charge at this time of year, but I have the perfect five-point plan for tackling man-flu.

1. Load up on salty fatty carbohydrate. Pizza and cookies should tremble lest your shadow fall across them. Nom nom nom. Stop only when your belly, legs and neck are all crammed full. Add a couple of oranges, some bee poo and zinc to fill the gaps.
   
2. Sleep. For ages. The mighty atomic furnaces you cart around all day will burn that pepperoni double-fill to fuel your awesome microscopic army, who march on those lurgybugs with an Alvin and the Chipmunks double-speed remix of a Prokofiev fighting song. Don't get up until the cat thinks you're dead, and then slob around in your skeezy jammies defying common decency.
3. Scrub up. Now that the skeeze has skoozed, get clean. Do all the funny little things you don't do everyday like your toenails and waxing your palms. Slough off all that lurgisch skank.
   
4. Go for a gentle, short bit of exercise. A couple of miles jog, a bike to the shops, something like that. Nothing hard, just enough to warm up the fires again and blow the cobwebs and snot out of every pipe.
5. Haggis. 'Nuff said.

Of course, this is probably the very worst thing to do if it's avian flu: stoking your immune system prior to a cytokine storm is a good way to end up on the cadaver wagon. But man-flu ain't bird-flu.

Comments

[maythen-apple.livejournal.com]

I love those plushie microbes. We have a soft cuddly flu and e-coli sitting on the couch right now. I gave one of my managers the flesh eating virus for christmas one year.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Yay for necrotising fascitis!

The range gets bigger and bigger. They need to get a norovirus one - it's raging around the UK like a demented plague and we could do with one to put on the desk of people who are off sick with it. It'd be easier than explaining to someone that Bob's pooping out of his ears. :)