Social Networking: Having no secrets sucks

[andygates]

This is mostly a criticism of Facebook, but the other "real you" social networking sites are under fire too.  Orkut started getting this wrong, and it's spread.

I think it's important to have boundaries in life.  My work, training, social life and weirdshit, for example, are pretty distinct things. I might want to be in a bunch of technical groups, training lists, boozehound surf bum groups and creepy gothed-out crazy people lists.  And it is legitimate to want to keep those separate: my boss doesn't need to see my party photos any more I need to flash the avatars of gym freaks (c'mon guys, SWF please?) around.  I might be in a church and a sports club, and not want the sports club to tag me as the god-botherer. 

I might even be doing stuff that some of my friends think is stupid, or irresponsible, or dangerous, or illegal.  And of course, I might have groups of friends who hate each other, or who would think a lot less of me if they saw me hanging around with people "like that" - I don't want my dudes to think I'm a suckup if I've friended the boss; I'm not going to explain my futanari group to the vicar.

I can count the number of people who'd get into all of those groups on one stump.  So a "real me" social site has to be shallow and thin.  It's got to be just safe contacts - the ones from the really real world - and it's got to have nothing terribly challenging.  I'd argue that's why the groups I'm seeing on Facebook are either facile or dull - dull because they're already the people you know, so there's no real interest there, or facile in that they're Zombie Of The Week or Fans Of Smeaton; stuff that's got no more weight than a Dilbert strip. 

What I love about the web is not seeing my mates' photos and going "Heyy, thats you! Don't you look a right tosser?"  It's the other contacts - the people who extend what I think, not merely confirm it.  And it's the ability to explore something leftfield with pretty good anonymity.  The reality offered by places like Facebook actually kills the unreality which is at the very heart of a rich internet experience.

For me, it's as bad as being beaten up by Thrognath the Barbarian, while hearing his tween voice arguing with his mum about tidying his room.  Too much reality where it's not needed really can suck.

Comments

[ankaret.livejournal.com]

I would bet good money Facebook was invented by a GSF 4 carrier.

About the only good thing I can think of about it is that a well-known and tiresome troll from my primary fandom has, in all 'her' incarnations (they present online as female, but I'm not convinced), been utterly paranoid about mentioning any details about 'her' non-internet life online, presumably because 'Yes, I live in the sock drawer and leech off the wireless network under the pile of pants' might not be any too convincing. And I'm not convinced it's worth it just for the lack of 'her'.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

True, anonymity pretty much created the troll and the troll is a tiresome creature. Small price to pay, in my book, when we can killfile the things, and most trolls aren't as skilled as your example; a savvy user can tell the difference very quickly and, frankly, troll-spotting is a valuable modern social skill.

Of course without any verifiability, she can't prove that she's not a troll, either. Some people are just dull assholes. ^_^

I'd definitely contend that the richness which flourishes with anonymity and compartments - including fictional alts - more than makes up for having to deal with trolls. Even ordinary social interaction requires ad-hoc boundaries. Actually, that ad-hocness is also important to be kept quiet from time to time; membership announcements can suck too.

Real alts are really valuable - the immediate example is a number of people I know who are depressed and self-harm. The self-harm group provides support (the debate of whether it provides actual help or just validates emo slicing is open, granted), but you don't want your friends and family knowing you're a cutter.

Unreal alts, of course, can be anything from convenient to kinky. Female authors have been using masculine pseudonyms since forever to get credibility in male-dominated fields, after all (are you there, JK?). I did an experimental membership of a nasty social group in order to see what made them tick, including asking some picky questions, while alting (just call me a research troll). And that's before we get to the more exotic leisure alts and plain old cathartic play alts. I suppose that means that Facebook is bound to stay quite real - but it's got to compete with reality for that, and reality is realler. Meanwhile the other sites will trundle along, because plenty of different places isn't business competition (Myspace vs Facebook is meaningless, say I) any more than the living room, kitchen, mall, gym and fetish bar are.

That article, by the way, is hideously insightful and raised up grim (if amusing) memories of student life.

[ankaret.livejournal.com]

It's not just getting credibility in male-dominated fields; I know several women who consciously choose neuter or masculine-sounding pseuds and don't have any photos online because they're sick and tired of the no-social-skills bozos who think any online interaction is a pickup opportunity.

I'm not sure if said bozos would stop hassling anything that sounds like it might have tits if they were made aware of dating sites, chatrooms and the like where their solicitations might be welcome, but it has to be worth a try, which is another vote for bubble empires rather than Facebook uber alles. Not that I think for a moment it's going to come to Facebook uber alles, you understand.

Which reminds me, have you seen this and this? Quite apart from the man's unnerving resemblance to a less attractive Louis Theroux, that's a mighty big hole he's digging for himself. (Oh, and apparently there are HP7 spoilers in the comments)

[andygates.livejournal.com]

I've done the reverse. There are areas which are heavily cliquey unless you're time-served and alpha, or female - the "ooh, bewbs" thing acts as a social pass. It's quite odd to have a query under your real identity blanked but one by fauxhottie69 answered immediately, when both are the same query about something really dull like DNS configuration or creatine metabolism.

It's a thankless task, being a system admin on something big. Especially when everyone feels that they have ownership of their part. I don't envy him his job!

[xeeny.livejournal.com]

You know when you're too much of an old-fashioned geek when all this talk of how to deal with trolls makes you think fireballs and torches.

That social fallacies is great. Just made me think:
1) Knowing Su Farr cured me of #1
2) Ho ho! Knowing skean cured me of #2 in a matter of minutes.
3) #4: Mixing all your social groups can work. But you need a) a cool event to give them something in common and b) lots and lots and lots of free booze. Evidence: Corry Road beach parties and weddings.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

You've forgotten Dave the Legs.

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

Mostly I didn't want to comply with Facebook's demand that I register myself and tell it my e-mail password before I was allowed to see anything at all. But I have deep misgivings about too much real-name online. The unusual name means Google finds everything.

[arabis.livejournal.com]

Me too - which is why I've registered as Arabis Davidson and used my gmail account rather than a primary one. Should stop old school/college/work contacts popping up anyway! There are other people with your firsname, but not your firstname/surname combo.

I've had the facebook account for a couple of weeks now, but I'm still not sure I'll keep it.

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

So... what are you using it for?

Looking at it now, it only wanted your own password if it was a gmail etc. account. It wanted to trawl your address book for people you knew.

Good god, look at all the people who have registered. Do I even want these people to know of one another? I experiment with a subset.

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

There now, look what you've done. Your rant has made me join Facebook. Now I have to look at pictures of cats and I'm going to blame it all on you.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

"Do I even want these people to know of one another?"

The case for the prosecution rests, m'lud.

[arabis.livejournal.com]

I might even be doing stuff that some of my friends think is stupid, or irresponsible, or dangerous, or illegal.

Heck, if you weren't doing something like that I'd assume I'd found the wrong Andy - or that you'd been replaced by a pod person from the planet Mars.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

At my funeral, there will be free T-shirts with "I told you so" on the chest.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

I don't have pseuds, or alts. There is a reason for this and it's not what you think but it's not something I'm prepared to discuss in this particular environment (PG, Munky) I used to. I had good fun with them, but these days I'm just careful about what I say where. The only way to handle the lack of anonymity on the net other than to use alts is to have trust filters, and that's why I'm ok here but haven't gone anywhere near social networking since Orkut, which was bloody crap anyway.

I've never suffered from GSF4. Never. It's only ever an issue for me when someone I consider a friend does...

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Being careful is something I'm very bad at, and it grates.

Orkut is still, even now, having those "bad server, no donut for you" errors. Prince of suck.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have help in being careful...

[alacerus.livejournal.com]

I find all these fucking alternate ways of "making friends with similar interests with you" a load of bollocks. I mean I have skype, several e-mail accounts, live journal, all of which I hardly use, so why oh why do I want a fucking 'nother one. Excuse my french, but it doesn't float my boat.

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

It is true. But the Facebook is cute; and there are people there that I am not good at keeping in touch with because they don't have lj and I don't write letters any more!

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to just agree and feel like a ditto-head, so I was trying to decide what to share to exemplify how much this resonated with me. Little bit of a brain war there as I tried to decide if I wanted to basically stand up and say that I was an alcoholic only to find that I was in the wrong meeting room? Like that.

Right. Anyhow, a lot of the reason (I feel) my journal is mundane now is because I've stopped sharing all the bits that make me who I really believe I am. I miss the ability to speak to people who understand why I feel like cutting myself at times without scorning me for figuring out a way to release the urge without actually bleeding.

These days, I often feel as if sharing because I thought I had that support was all an illusion. When I first started journaling, I believed that I could be 100% who I am and it wouldn't have any negative effect on me. I thought that those who cared about me and said they were my friends would ask if they didn't understand, and everyone else would just move away from me if they felt uncomfortable.

Ah, the grand delusion I labored beneath...

[andygates.livejournal.com]

"Who I am" is, I suspect, a construct of "who I'm with" - it certainly is for me.

Anyway, there's still paper diaries. Those ain't shared to anyone.

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

True, paper diaries aren't shared with anyone. Well, they aren't supposed to be. Having been bad once and reading a found diary, and having had mine read, I'm tentative about all types of them.

I'm also not as fast at handwriting as I am at typing. :)