Dear chav fuckhead

[andygates]

You do not, ever, shunt people with your pimped-out Astra. If you do, you may discover that the spotty nerdy cyclist is some hulking great very very angry horror with a stupid moustache.

I'm very impressed that I didn't go beyond throwing his keys in the traffic: for some reason I really, really wanted to go at all three of them. Ho hum, at least they did me the favour of driving with their windows down. Spring may bring the fuckheads out, ,but it makes them easy targets.

Comments

[skean.livejournal.com]

How do you grab the keys when they're on the wrong side of the steering column?

I have visions of Hulk ripping the steering wheel out of the way here...

[skean.livejournal.com]

And when you say shunt, do you mean that the car actually connected with your bike?!?!?

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. Just plain menacing is passe. Shunting is not permitted.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

Details, man, details!

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Chav is stopped in ASL. I do the standard of taking position and backing right up to them. He shunteth. I get off, dispatch Glare No. 1, and lay the bike against the front of the car going round to Have Words and declare that Thou Shalt Not Ever Shunt, Thou Fuckwit.

Words are exchanged. He declares that he'll drive over my bike when the lights go green. I take his keys (which are on the door-side of the steering column) and state that he shall not. His mates emerge from the chav procession and swarm around like so many grumpy munchkins (why are all chavs so short?).

More words are exchanged. Seeing that naught will come of this (unless I can escalate it to a wholesale slaughter, which is neither justified nor practical though it's tempting) I chuck the keys in the road and ride off.

And looky, the red mist ain't *quite* overwhelming. Probably because I know in my secret dark blood-wet heart that the Deathtree is licking its rooty chops and sizing them up for a snack.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

Which ASL was this? Should have just swung at them, taking them all down with one meaty blow.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Bottom of South Street where it feeds into the circular around the Judge Jefferies. And I was sooooo tempted. Bought a cake instead.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Just here: http://maps.google.com/?ll=50.719911,-3.529326&spn=0.003335,0.00603

[ankaret.livejournal.com]

(why are all chavs so short?).

Probably something to do with being born to eleven-year-old mothers. Are you OK?

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Totally, thanks, just fightin' wired.

Is being born to young mothers really shortness-inducing? Obviously being born to smoker crackwhore mothers is...

[ankaret.livejournal.com]

WHO says 'lower birth weights, possibly because they're still growing and therefore competing with their fetus for nutrients' though come to think of it I'm not sure whether there's a correlation between that and adult height outside the realms of pseudoscience.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

It must just be the smoking and the crack then. And needing to fit into Vauxhall Novas - though that's a bit Lamarckian.

[thudthwacker.livejournal.com]

I looked up "chav" and worked out "shunt" from context, but I'm still not sure what an "ASL" is.

[gedhrel.livejournal.com]

advanced stop line

It's the bit at a traffic light that gives a cyclist some room ahead of the other traffic.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

Supposedly.

The only sort of on-road cycle farcility that's any fucking use and drivers seem to think it's just a pretty coloured piece of road.

Backing up to the bumper of an interloping car and then accidentally fumbling to get clipped in when the lights turn, or missing a pedal stroke, is a tried and tested method of expressing llama-like disapproval.

Shunting is rare and Most Definitely Not On and To Be Discouraged In The Strongest Possible Terms.

Mroof.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

This is true: shunting is rare, this is the first shunt I've had in five years. And alas, I'm not a shrinking violet.

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

I'm very impressed that you did have the presence of mind to throw his keys into traffic.

It reminds me of Michael yanking open the car door of a driver who had pulled up onto a zebra crossing, in order to even the power balance or something. In this instance he realised that he'd scared her, and ended up feeling guilty (car drivers can feel quite vulnerable with their seatbelts still on). But I bet she respected other road users more afterwards.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Well, I've got previous with a mobile phone... but it's a traditional response and the keys are near the window precisely so that it can be done. By, er, Police or something.

As for intimidation: Frankly, good. If they won't play nice, then they SHOULD be afraid. I want them to give nervous room to every cyclist in case they turn out to be a psycho. I want them to get used to being one rung down on the fucking food chain.

(ahem)

No, this is not nice, or considerate, or progressive, and Ghandi would be turning wearily in his grave. But being nice doesn't work: you simply cannot correct or remonstrate with any driver, they are all small gods in their small boxes. And that leaves being nasty or being a doormat.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

Omnia vincit amor, baby.

Or so I'm told.

Mind you, I'm the one who bought the fortress gloves, so I'm sure you can guess what I think about that particular meme.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Omnia vincit vis, more like. Apologies for the declension. Must finish those chainmail gloves.

Omnia vincit amor my arse. I refer the honourable aldy - as she damnwell knows - to her favoured quote about pacifism. You could, without doubt, conquer the entire planet armed only with a butter knife.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

And those Fortress gloves are sooooo cool :)

[thudthwacker.livejournal.com]

Hops over to Google.

Hey, neat. Izzat sintered armorgel?

[thudthwacker.livejournal.com]

And, speaking of sintered armorgel, check this out.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

Oooooh.

Me want.

No, the Fortress Gloves have kevlar.

They are quite fine. Specialized actually make gloves that fit my dinky little not-properly-opposable mutant hands.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

"Feels like gritty jell-O, protects like a stack of telephone books" eh, thud?

See, now THAT is a superhero suit. Beats bloody lycra. My tastes run a little more medieval and homebrew: http://www.ravenfamily.org/andyg/images/mailglove.jpg

[thudthwacker.livejournal.com]

"Feels like gritty jell-O, protects like a stack of telephone books" eh, thud?

Let's just say that, if I ever come into a truly obscene amount of money, Snowcrash is on the short-list of novels I'd consider making a miniseries out of. Along with Guards!, Guards! and ... I don't even know what else. A very short list, then.

My tastes run a little more medieval and homebrew:

Very nice work. Protection, style, and also good for dropping chav fuckheads if necessary.

[thudthwacker.livejournal.com]

No, the Fortress Gloves have kevlar.

That's what I figured, honestly, since I got sintered armorgel out of Snowcrash. I was really surprised to see that someone had actually made the rough equivalent of the stuff, though. I mean, this kind of material has been a mainstay in scifi for years, and I was vaguely aware that there were materials with strain rate flexibility (which is presumably the cause of its appearance in scifi), but I this is the first I've heard of a practical application in body armor.

[ravenbait.livejournal.com]

For lo, I am a Hawk amongst pigeons.

Bring it on, baby.

[andygates.livejournal.com]

They need reminding that they're not the alpha predators. We are.

They're the beta herbivores, medium-sized herd animals. The alphas, the big bulls, are trucks and buses - but regular car drivers? They're just cattle. The kind of dinosaurs no schoolchild ever wanted to be. Psittacosaurs. Edmontosaurs.

We're the mammals, baby.

Well, apart from some hawks.

[thudthwacker.livejournal.com]

Omnia vincit amor

Until Sam's rant, I'd been misreading this as "omnia vincit armor", especially when the Kevlar uber-gloves showed up in context.

I think I like the "armor" version better than the other one. Very OGRE.

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

Oo, pretty!

[flitljm.livejournal.com]

Um, the Fortress gloves, not the tongue piercing. Though its very you, darling.

[arabis.livejournal.com]

Excellent response. I hope their keys got flattened by a lorry!

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Behold, even Arabis gets militant :)

[arabis.livejournal.com]

Whaddya mean even Arabis?!?

[inkyann.livejournal.com]

Stalling ones motorbike when legally in the buses-taxis-and-motorbikes-only lane when some astra-chav queue-jumper is behind you is also acceptable. Especially if it allows all the legal traffic who'd politely queued to forge ahead and make up waaaay more distance than he'd ever have gained ;)

Glad you're OK - remember Scotty's technique of grasping the top of the driver's window firmly, shaking once hard and then riding off as the little bits of safety glass land in their lap?

[andygates.livejournal.com]

I do now. Thanks for the reminder!